Phoenixlost Read online

  She didn’t laugh, though. She seemed to think my words over carefully before her lips thinned.

  “You’ve been unconventional and really difficult to work with in a lot of ways, Darcy, and as much as I want to say that you can do anything you set your mind to… I feel like you let your mind get in your own way a lot.”

  Ouch. Okay. Valid. But still, ouch.

  “I know I’ve been hot and cold-”

  “You’ve quit on me…” She looked at her fingers and then sighed. “I give up. I don’t even know how many times at this point because it’s been that many. Anyone else, everyone else, I would have shown the door and told them not to let it cunt-punt them on the way out, but you’re… yeah. You’ve got something special about you, and that’s this really obnoxious ability to make me feel not angry at you, which, did I mention, is really irritating? I wish I had that skill. I’d get yelled at way fucking less.” I waited after she was done to see if she’d say anything else, and while her words hurt, I felt like I could handle them. Like it wasn’t… the end of my world for me to hear them.

  “So-”

  “Here’s the deal, Darcy-loo,” she paused, and I wasn’t going to correct her on the horrible nickname because she was pregnant, and I probably deserved to be called something ridiculous at that point. “I’m not going to let you piss away your future because, for all I know, you and the guys could break up in six months, or a year, or…” She shrugged, and my chest heaved.

  The thought of life without them was too painful to even contemplate. That couldn’t happen, right? The heartstone dangling between my breasts throbbed softly. No. Never. They’d never leave me. And I’d never leave them, not by my choice anyway.

  She seemed to read the discomfort on my face because she hastily moved onward.

  “Life changes, and so do our dreams and desires. Yes, you’ve been back and forth on me like a goddamn Zamboni- don’t look at me that way; I like hockey, okay? You’ve been annoying. And a pain. And difficult to deal with. But you’re also human, and I get it. I’m not even mad at you. You’re a good person, and I… really like you. So I’m going to be straight with you. The work you’ve done for the band was enough to fulfill at least three internships, so as far I’m concerned, you get a passing grade, even more than that. B-plus.” She smirked. “No A for you, too much waffling.”

  I couldn’t help it. Tears sprung up in my eyes, and Willa’s widened.

  “Oh god, please don’t cry, seriously, I will cry, and then I’ll be a blotchy mess for my three-o-clock- Darcy, noooo,” she got to her feet as she spoke, coming around to hug me tight.

  “It’s better than I deserve,” I mumbled into her arm as I hugged her back because it was. I was such an idiot. I needed to stop running from everything good in my life just because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. She stroked my hair, and I didn’t even care that she was going to mess up my curls.

  “The only thing I need from you is to go back to your professor and have a real hard talk with him about everything you’ve done and why you’ve been so damn difficult,” she said. A core of ice formed in my belly, and I groaned.

  Well, it’s not like I didn’t know that was going to come up.

  “But you have to be serious about wanting to finish your degree,” she said softly. “I don’t think he’ll accept anything less than a one-hundred-percent commitment from you for the rest of the year.” As I gazed up at her, her expression hardened. “This is your last chance. I mean it. You’ll always be my friend, but I’m not going to keep sticking my neck out for you if you keep stepping on it, okay? Do you really want this?”

  “I think I want to finish what I started,” I said, that icy lump in my gut warming slowly. My father had tried to take everything from me that I had made for myself. I don’t even know why I let myself get so far astray from my own goals, to begin with. Falling in love with a pack of werewolves may have had something to do with it…

  “The tipping point,” I cleared my throat, and Willa pulled away to offer me a tissue. I poked at my face with it roughly and balled it up in my fist, “was when I realized that nobody was going to take me seriously because they all think I’m just fucking a band, and that’s how I got the job.”

  “They’ll think that anyway.”

  “But if I have my degree, and I’ve done my internship, at least I’ll know they’re wrong,” I replied quickly and then exhaled. Holy shit. Did I really think of myself as worthless like that? Willa watched me carefully.

  “Are you sure it’s what other people think of you and not what you think of yourself?” She said, arrow-straight and right to the point as always.

  “You hit hard,” I complained, and she smiled.

  “I’m serious; if you really want to walk back on your earlier decisions, I’ll help you. I’ll support you. I’ll talk to your professor, but you have to be sure. You have to be sure you’re doing this for you and not because of what other people think of you.” Willa crossed her arms over her chest, resting it on the slight belly bump she had. My eyes dragged down to it, that rise where a child was growing.

  The guys had been looking at Willa with a certain… longing. Not for her, but for the state she was in. I needed to talk to them about that and remind them that my womb was not open for business and wouldn’t be for a long-ass time.

  “Darcy?” Willa was staring at me.

  “I want this,” I said softly, “because I need to know that I can do this job, with or without them. Not because I think I’ll be without them… but in case I ever have to.” My heart shuddered in my chest. It was hard to look at the real truth of it, my feelings. They weren’t all that rational, and if we were lucky, that would never come to pass. My life would never have a minute without the guys in them.

  But I also wanted to finish my degree and take back part of what my father had robbed me of: the ability to determine my own destiny, chase my own dreams, and achieve them. I could never get Max back, but maybe, in some small way, getting my education finished… could be a little bit like getting her back. I could do what she couldn’t.

  Willa surveyed me for a few more minutes before nodding her head.

  “Then let’s do this. I’ll set up a meeting for you-”

  “I can do it,” I protested. She snorted.

  “Trust me. After all the shit you’ve put your prof and me through? You’re going to want me to call him.”

  I sunk down in my chair as she smirked at me. Ah, fuck, she was right. But at least… I had some hope that things would work out. And if I could just get this piece of my life in order, then maybe the rest of it wouldn’t seem so insurmountable.

  Like hunting down your father and strangling him with your bare hands won’t be more demanding than this? My brain liked to poke holes in my flimsy arguments. I was doing the easy things first, fixing my life as best I could.

  One day at a time. One problem at a time. And then… my jaw tightened. I’d come for him when he least expected it.

  Three

  I sat nervous, my legs crossed, the final paperwork on the desk in front of me. I felt like this was just going to be a repeat of my meeting with Willa, possibly with less crying. I hoped with less crying.

  “You are possibly the most complicated of all my internship students,” my professor said, his head tilted to the side as he surveyed my written essay. God, this was going to be an exact echo of my conversation with Willa. I could manage it, though. I could handle it. I could do anything. Right? I’d murdered dragons. I could deal with my professor.

  He sighed. “Darcy-“

  “I know-” I swallowed. “I know I’ve really fucked this up.”

  He frowned, his eyes creasing down at the corners.

  “That would be one spectacular way to say it, and not exactly professional.”

  I shifted, uncomfortable in my seat.

  “I guess being around the band so much-”

  “You’ve immersed yourself more than I’ve seen anyone,” he said,
clearing his throat, and I couldn’t help the blush that rose on my cheeks.

  “Yeah, I guess you could say it like that,” I mumbled. His lips twitched, and he let out a sighing breath.

  “Alright, so barring your personal life from colouring this interview, I have to honestly ask you if you feel mentally well enough to continue to see this internship through. What you’ve been through in a few months seems like a lifetime of difficulty and strife, and if I am honest with you, I’m not sure that I feel comfortable accepting you back into the program. It is a shame for me to even say that because you’ve achieved more in your short time with XOhX than any other intern I’ve placed, ever.” He folded his hands over each other on top of my essay and gave me an even look. “How are you?”

  I nearly choked on my words to get them out,

  “Fine. G-good. Great. I really… I know I’ve been back and forth, and I didn’t turn in assignments-”

  “I recall you pretty much dropping out of the program entirely, and you managed to cling to your internship because XOhX liked your work so much they converted you to a contractor position,” he said bluntly, “I would be mad they poached you from us, but admissions can still claim you attended our school. But alright, you say you’re great, but the amount of back and forth with you on this final leg of your degree doesn’t make me doubt your commitment to your studies…. It makes me doubt your mental health entirely. If you truly want to continue and graduate with your cohort, I want you to seek counselling. Immediately.”

  My lips parted. He lifted a finger to stop me from speaking.

  “That’s not a contingency of me letting you back in,” he said. “That’s a person-to-person request. Because in all honesty, I don’t think you will make it through the rest of the year if you don’t speak to a qualified professional about all the struggles you have faced.” He sighed and gave me an earnest look that I couldn’t be upset with.

  He was right.

  And I was willing to do whatever it took to finish my degree. I didn’t need it, but I wanted it. Maybe to prove to the world I was more than just some weird groupie to the band, but that I had the education to back up my deserving the job title of tour manager for Phoenixcry.

  I sensed he wasn’t done talking, but he remained quiet, observing me.

  “I can get counselling,” I said quietly. He glanced to the side and smiled.

  “Good,” he said and then slapped his hand on the desk with a solid thunk. “So I think we have a deal!”

  I nearly choked on my own spit.

  “Uh- that’s it, but-”

  “Darcy, did I stutter?” He asked, leaning forward, his eyes gleaming as he smiled at me. I shook my head hard.

  “No-oh.” Shut up, Darcy. Shut up. Take the gift and stop shaking it, Darcy. Just take it. I hesitated and smiled.

  “But,” he said as I got to my feet, “I do have one favour to ask. And that’s…” He cleared his throat. “I’d like an autographed album. For my niece.”

  A bolt of smug red heat flitted through me. Oh shit.

  “She a fan?”

  “Yes, quite a big one,” he said, letting a sheepish tone enter his voice. “I’m not even going to feel guilty about using you mercilessly for a meet’n’greet either.”

  “Is that ethical?”

  “Darcy-”

  “Okay, okay, no thank you, sir, that’s fine, thank you so much.” Really, I needed to learn when to shut the fuck up and just get on with things, or I was going to hate myself later. I scrambled to my feet and grabbed my bag, still reeling from the meeting. Fuck. I was lucky. I seriously had a horseshoe up my ass.

  “But Darcy-”

  Oh boy. I paused at the door, looking back at him. His eyes were serious.

  “I mean it about the counselling. No amount of autographs or meet’n’greets is going to make you feel better and get right in your own head, so please… let me know how it goes. And remember to check in with me weekly. If I don’t hear from you-”

  “I got it,” I said with a smile. “I promise I’ll check-in. Weekly. Twice a week. Thank you so much.” I hurried out of the office feeling like I’d survived another trial-by-fire. And I still couldn’t believe it had happened. That I’d managed to convince him.

  I walked down the stairs and pushed outside, the door to the department building swinging shut behind me.

  “Jammy of you,” a familiar accented voice said, and I shrieked, jumping sideways, my hand bolting upward. Just before the sizzle of lighting could leave my fingers, I clenched my fist tight and huffed out a breath, staring at Wolfe.

  “Do you have a fucking death-wish?” I demanded before looking around. There wasn’t anybody around, or the whole thing could have yielded some very unwelcome attention. I glared at Wolfe.

  “It’s not like you could have fried me if you’d wanted to,” he said casually, “after all, I was prepared for that sort of reaction. Rather the reason I did it in the first place if I’m to be completely honest.” He eyed me up for a moment, and then his amused expression softened, and he held out his arms, stepping toward me.

  Something inside me cracked like an egg, and I pressed into his chest and bit back the tears that were rising in my throat. I’d missed him. I’d missed him so much, with his stupid accent, and his… dumb vocabulary, and the way he smelled, and the softness in how he embraced me, always, like I was his own daughter, a lost little foundling he’d hatched.

  He sniffled, and I peeked up at him through the tangled strands of my curling hair.

  “Are you crying?” I accused gently. He snorted.

  “Slander,” he said, and then blinked too-rapidly. I smiled.

  “I missed you too,” I said. He gave me a tender look and then pulled away. “So… thanks for stalking me, but I’m fine. Cash is around here somewhere-”

  Just in time, Cash pulled up, in a set of wheels I’d never seen before. The car was old but re-finished, 1960’s style, shiny chrome wheels, and the top down. The wind ruffled his brown hair, and he grinned at me before staring at Wolfe. The car jerked into park, and Cash was up over the side of the car without even opening the door. I ducked out of the way as he barred into Wolfe, arms thrown around the other man. Wolfe staggered against the impact of Cash’s broad, muscled body hitting his.

  “Shit,” Cash said, the relief flooding his voice like he’d almost missed Wolfe as much as I did. Wolfe blinked and then hugged Cash back, laughing.

  “Am I your lost love, then?” He asked. Cash shook his head and sighed, pulling back after a moment.

  “It’s good to see you,” he said, tone turning severe, and he turned to me, pulling me in for a quick kiss. “Where're the kids?” He asked Wolfe. My heart skipped a beat. I should have asked about Daria and Frank.

  “Waiting with a friend,” Wolfe said, as always being mysterious. He was like a bad magician. I rolled my eyes at him.

  “A good kind, or the demon-y kind?” I drawled. Wolfe looked offended.

  “They pay their taxes,” he replied, scandalized. Cash snorted, curling his fingers through mine as he pulled me close to him. We walked toward Cash’s car.

  “So did you fly here on your broom, or in your bat-form?” Cash asked.

  “Ungrateful whelps,” Wolfe’s growl was ragged as he glared at Cash. For his part, Cash just looked amused and not worried at all about pissing off the vampire. I slid into the convertible's back seat, allowing Wolfe and his much longer legs the passenger.

  “So what’s the verdict on everything then?” Wolfe asked expectantly. Cash started up the car, and we pulled away from the school.

  “I’m finishing my degree,” I said. Wolfe’s eyebrows peaked.

  “I’m… pleased? Should I be pleased? I thought we hated school.” He glanced between me and Cash, who snorted and shrugged.

  “Whatever she wants, she gets.”

  “You’ll spoil her,” Wolfe said, but his tone was light.

  “It’s not like it won’t be work. Um… he wants to go to
counselling, my teacher, I mean, because-”

  I was a mess. There was no denying it.

  Wolfe twisted in his seat and took my hand between his, giving me a sincere look.

  “Does this make you happy?” He asked. I didn’t hesitate.

  “I think I will be if I finish what I started. I worked so hard to get into the school that it seems kinda stupid just to let it all go.” I squeezed his fingers and sat back in the car with a sigh.

  “An excellent decision, then,” he said, “Daria will be so pleased.”

  “She doing okay?”

  Wolfe smiled slyly.

  “She and Frank are getting on quite well,” he said. Cash laughed.

  “Please tell me they’re being safe,” he said.

  “Well, it’s not as if the boy’s spent much time near a heartstone as of late,” Wolfe replied.

  “Oh fuck,” Cash sighed. “I’m going to talk to him. I meant more with… bonding.” He cleared his throat. Wolfe glanced back at me.

  “Surely it’s too soon for that,” he said.

  “You been leaving them alone together all that much? Kid’s never had a pack as long as he can remember, and you give him a young, eligible woman to hang around with? His mind and his hormones are gonna be fighting each other. I know as soon as Darcy crossed my path, I had a hard fucking time not bonding her right then and there,” Cash said. My face heated up at the thought. That was um, really… hot. Maybe back then, I wouldn’t have thought so, but now thinking about him thinking of me like that? I squirmed in my seat.

  “Okay, that’s personal,” I muttered before poking Wolfe in the back of the head. “But really, you should know better than to leave two hormone-fueled teenagers together.”

  “It’s been a while since I’ve been that age,” Wolfe groused. I felt a laugh bubbling up inside me.